Domestic abuse is a delicate issue in Arab-American communities. Any personal experiences we used in this article to highlight the problem were shared under the cloak of anonymity.

Mona, a Palestinian-American resident of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, is a 38-year-old mother, whose two children were born and raised in the United States. Mona knew her husband for three years prior to their wedding. He began beating her within the first year of their marriage. “All the responsibility that comes along with marriage began weighing on us. We started fighting about silly things.” The fights escalated from tense discussions to yelling matches, to him pushing her to the ground, to twisting her arm behind her back whenever she disagreed with him. Mona warned him that if he hit her again, she would leave, but not before telling both her parents and his parents why she was leaving. She followed through with her threat, but the response she received was not what she was hoping for. Her parents reminded her that they did not believe in divorce. “Men hit women sometimes. It is a part of life,” said her father-in-law.

Rima, born and raised in Egypt and currently living in Jersey City, has lived in the United States for 25 years. She knew her husband for a year-and-a-half before they married. It wasn’t long after they were married that the beatings began. “There did not have to be a reason,” she said. “He would simply beat me if he didn’t like something.” Rima vividly remembers that the first beating was so loud that their neighbors came over to break it up. It wasn’t until her sister and brother witnessed him hitting her that anyone would believe she wasn’t lying. Still, her parents encouraged her to stay with him.

Within a few years, Rima had three children, held down a job, went to school, and received almost daily beatings from her husband, many of which were witnessed by her children. She stopped trying to tell anyone when she realized how futile it was. When he took a job in the United States, he wrote her how things would be different. She moved to America with her children, but the beatings started within weeks of her arrival in their new home.

Who is a batterer?

Batterers come from all different socioeconomic backgrounds, religions, ethnicities, and levels of education, but they share one common characteristic: they believe they have the right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship; he uses violence in order to establish and maintain authority and power.

Many abusers suffer from low self-esteem and their sense of self and identity is tied to their partner. If abusers feel they are losing the victim – through separation, divorce, emotional detachment, or pregnancy (fearing that spouses will replace love for them with love for a child) – they will lash out, feeling that they are losing power, control, and their self-identity.

The use of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse intermingled with periods of respite, love, and happiness are coercive methods used intentionally to generate submission.

Abusers often experience dramatic mood swings – loving and affectionate one minute, spiteful and cruel the next. “Nobody would believe me when I told them that he beat me, not even my parents. Outside the house, he was the gentlest soul you could ever meet,” said Rima, a woman who volunteered her story for this article. “He displayed no signs of aggression.”

An abuser will often restrict a victim’s outlets, forbidding her outside employment, friends, and family ties. This has an isolating effect, leaving spouses with no support system and creating a dependency. Others limit their spouses’ options by not allowing access to checking accounts, credit cards or other sources of money or financial independence.

What goes on inside, stays inside

The tendency of the Arab-American community to remain silent about domestic violence stems from three cultural beliefs:

1) The privacy of the home is sacrosanct. If a woman chooses to turn her back on this cultural value and “spill the beans,” so to speak, she is shunned and considered disloyal.

2) You don’t interfere in other people’s business. While it’s entirely possible that everyone knows you are being abused, it’s just as possible that no one will offer you help. While it’s entirely possible that everyone knows you are beating your wife, it is just as possible that, to your face, they will remain friendly.

3) It was probably the woman’s fault. Although it is unusual for an Arab-American woman to speak openly with her friends or family about abuse, it is a common refrain, when a woman gets up the courage to tell the truth, to be told, “You must have done something to anger him;” or “You married him. Make the best of it.”

What is domestic violence?

Violence of any nature perpetrated against a loved one is a deplorable occurrence. A distinction, however, must be made between domestic violence and the isolated occasion when an individual, in the midst of a highly emotionally charged situation, loses control and lashes out. We are in no way condoning violence as the answer to any problem or the way to resolve any argument. It would be naïve, however, to pretend that people, when under great emotional duress, always behave appropriately.

Domestic violence includes violence perpetrated by intimate partners and other family members, and is manifested through:

1) Physical abuse such as slapping, beating, arm twisting, stabbing, strangling, burning, choking, kicking, threats with an object or weapon, and murder.

2) Sexual abuse such as coerced sex through threats, intimidation, or physical force.

3) Psychological abuse which includes behavior that is intended to intimidate and persecute, and takes the form of threats of abandonment or abuse, confinement to the home, surveillance, threats to take away custody of the children, destruction of objects, isolation, verbal aggression, and constant humiliation.

4) Economic abuse which includes acts such as the denial of funds, refusal to contribute financially, denial of food and basic needs, and controlling access to health care, employment, etc.

Survivors

Whether a woman is a new immigrant or third generation Arab American, whether she is a high school drop out or a doctor, she can be a victim of domestic violence. What survivors share is the strength to pick up the pieces of their lives after their marriages ended.

Mona’s husband did not stop beating her after their parents were told. The abuse continued for the remaining eight years of their marriage. Worse was that he would berate her in front of her children, causing her son to cry and shake from fear. On a few occasions, he hit their son hard enough to leave marks.

Mona always considered herself a strong and independent woman, but after years of such treatment, she doubted herself and felt she had lost her identity. “Why didn’t you leave?” we asked her. “I did not believe in divorce. My family did not believe in divorce. My community did not believe in divorce. I didn’t want to be the subject of gossip. I didn’t want people to look at me as if I was a pariah.”

Her torment ended when her husband left her for another woman.

Rima endured 26 years of physical and mental abuse. She tried to avoid him as much as possible, in the hopes that this would reduce the number of beatings, but it was to no avail. “If he was watching television, I stayed in the kitchen, cleaning. If he was eating, I would be with the children, doing their homework.” No matter how she tried to please him or avoid him, he would always find a reason to beat her. “He came into the kitchen when I was reading and saw two cups in the sink. I had just given the children some water. ‘What did I tell you about glasses in the sink?’ The next thing I knew, I was on the floor. He kicked me in the chest and I went flying.”

“One night, I realized I hadn’t studied for a test I had the next day in school. I foolishly told my husband. He said not to worry about it, but in the middle of the night I slipped out of bed to study. He followed me and kicked me until I passed out. I was awakened the following morning by my neighbor who came to pick me up for school. My husband had covered me up and didn’t let the children wake me. He thought I was dead.”

The last time he beat her, she ended up in the hospital. The police tried to persuade her to press charges, but she wouldn’t. “Why? So he could come and kill me when he got out of jail?” It took five surgeries to put her face back together.

What triggers the batterer?

According to Dr. Souha Frewat-Nikowitz, PhD, a clinical psychologist who treats numerous Arab-American women living with domestic violence, what sets off the batterer is not really the issue. “The men themselves are suffering from severe abuse in their own childhood,” said Frewat-Nikowitz. “Domestic violence is all about control and power for men who felt completely out of control and powerless at the hands of their fathers, uncles, or other family members.”

Children who witness domestic violence are victims themselves; growing up amidst violence predisposes them to a multitude of social and physical problems. Constant exposure to violence in the home and abusive role models teaches these children that violence is a normal way of life and places them at risk of becoming society’s next generation of victims and abusers.

Many women suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which includes nightmares, flashbacks, nervous disorders, depression, mistrust, and dissociation. Many women have suicidal fantasies; some attempt suicide, and for others, the only thing holding them back from attempting suicide is their religious beliefs.

“I tried to kill myself once,” admitted Rima. “I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him if he didn’t leave me alone, I would kill myself. He said, ‘Go ahead’. I was in my bathroom. I don’t even know what pills I took or how many. The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital. Every day, I ask God’s forgiveness for that.”

Is there any hope?

“One family I treated,” said Dr. Frewat-Nikowitz, “became a success story when pressure was applied by their Imam. Both were quite religious and the Imam threatened to divorce them if the abuse didn’t stop. The man almost lost his business because he was in jail, and his wife went to a shelter with their kids. He was about to lose everything. The religious pressure applied by the Imam, who emphasized that this is not acceptable in real Islam, really made a difference.

“In another instance, I agreed to conduct family therapy because the man was not violent anymore. It didn’t mean the emotional abuse stopped, but I felt the family was stable enough at that point and wanted a real rehabilitation. When he saw the damage he had done – particularly to his oldest child – he turned his life around. It’s a very rare occurrence.”

Without professional help of some sort, the violence will not stop. “It’s sometimes not enough to seek help in prayer while being beaten everyday,” says Dr. Frewat-Nikowitz.

If you or a loved one are being abused, below is a list of agencies that can provide you with help.

The Arab American Family Support Center – (718) 643-8000

Arab American Association – (718) 745-3523

National Domestic Violence Hotline (24 hours a day, 365 days a year) 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233)

National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence - 1(800) 222-2000

National Women’s Health Information Center – 1(800) 994-9662; www.4women.gov