Those who flocked to cities for education soon forgot
The mothers who sold much silver (for their education).
This poetic adage, which always inspired me as a child and it has stayed with me, gained more meaning for me when I became a mother. A mothers’ spirit of love and sacrifice for their children is always free of worldly temptations. And when their children grow up and leave their mothers at the mercy of time, a mother’s love never cools down. The mother continues to pray for the wellbeing of her children to the last breath of her life.
For centuries, the young sons have migrated from villages to cities and from cities to foreign lands in search of opportunity, success and prosperity. In the course of long and arduous journeys in search fortune, these determined young men willingly or unwillingly sacrifice family relations and sometimes their values and traditions. Thus immigration brings along economic gains as well as loss of cultural values.
But it’s the elderly parents, especially the mothers, who have to sacrifice the most. In search of contentment and wishing to stay close to their loved children, parents are forced to change their abodes reluctantly late in their lives. It’s not easy to change your values, culture and traditions at the age of 60 or 70. Although the journey from Pakistan to United Kingdom and United States is long and tiring, the real journey starts after emigration to the new country. The parents undergo unexpected and unimagined experiences in the process of integration into the new societies.
Many of us notice the signs of sorrow and agony in the eyes of these aged immigrants who apparently are living a decent life. I spoke to several mothers who are passing through such difficulties. We can see ourselves in many of these stories. These are the stories of women who despite having children are living completely secluded lives.
These mothers’ dilemma is that their own social values are stopping them from living their lives in nursing homes. You will come across old nursing homes in every community across the United States, but despite having forgotten our own traditions, we have not wholly accepted the values of the West and these mothers live a miserable life of seclusion.
Amina Hussain, 80, a well-dressed and soft spoken lady who loves reading and talking to learned people, has been living in the United States for the past 10 years. Her husband, who was a senior government officer in Pakistan, died two years back. She was living a prosperous life in Pakistan. A mother of three, she sent her sons to the United States for their higher education, spending all their life savings on their education. After her husband retired, loneliness and the love of their children started taking over the old couple. Their sons also started insisting that they emigrate to the United States. Their sons were at different stages of their careers. One was completing his university degree while the other was finishing his medical residency; not only were the sons missing their parents, but also they needed them to take care of their little children. The old parents, thinking of a reunited family, decided to leave Pakistan.
“In the beginning, all was well. As our grandchildren started growing up, our daughters-in-law started feel our being with them as a burden. The new situation forced me and my husband to rent our own apartment,” she said. Soon after, when her 85-year-old husband died, one of her sons brought her to live in his big house; however, the daughters-in-law decided the mother should spend equal amount of time in each of her sons’ homes. Mrs. Hussain started rolling like a tennis ball from one house to another. Unhappy with the situation, she asked that her sons rent her an apartment, which she got.
The old lady does all her chores at a snail’s pace. Yet she is happy that at least she has her own home. “The biggest problem for women like me is socialization,” she said. Mrs. Hussain is so old that she cannot work. She does not drive and her English is not good enough to socialize with the people in her neighborhood. “I didn’t move to the United States to live this life of isolation. I had expected to be in the midst of my children and grandchildren. I thought that my sons are wealthy enough to take care of me and my husband. But my daughters-in-law have a lot of money but no heart,” she complained.
Al though she has more liberty now, the loneliness makes her cry for hours. She says such a situation can be avoided by sticking to Eastern traditions and values. Subjected to this treatment by her children who were born and raised in Pakistan, she wondered “What will happen to the parents of those Pakistani children who were born and raised in the United States? Parents here don’t have enough time for their children to teach them their values.”
Safdar Mirza, 77, a former director of a college in Pakistan, also went through the painful experience of emigrating from Pakistan to the United States. Her husband died ten years ago and she too moved from her son’s house to an apartment. She spoke of tolerating her daughter-in-law’s extremely rude and unacceptable behavior for too long. Her son also started getting frustrated with the uneasy relationship between his mother and wife. She was taken to a doctor for her failing health and deteriorating mental condition. The doctor prescribed a separate residence for her as the only way to control her depression.
Mrs. Safadar said in the beginning, her lonely life was very painful. However, for the past several years her son visits her every day. She believes that plight of women like her can be changed by promoting Pakistani values in the families as well as opening of old nursing homes where people of South Asian origin can live together. Life in American old-age homes is difficult because of Muslim dietary restrictions and unavailability of South Asian food. “Life among people with the same language and culture is easier,” she said.
For Bint-e-Fatima, despite the fact that her sons live in the United States, she is forced to work to make a living. In Pakistan, as a university professor, she gave the best possible education to her four children. But when she became a widow, she decided to emigrate to the United States to be near her sons. At the beginning, life was good. But soon altercations with her daughters-in-law became a routine and situation reached a point where she was beaten by her daughters-in-law. She was kicked out by her children, forcing the highly educated woman to do cleaning jobs at people’s house to make a living.
But for Rubab Bano, a mother of four sons and a daughter who emigrated to the United States in 2000, tolerance is the bottom-line for a good life anywhere in the world. She says that nursing homes for South Asians is not the solution. The solution is the promotion of good values and traditions that bond the families together and give respect to their elders.
Hussain Waljee, who supervised the construction of the first mosque at Brooklyn Park in Minnesota, is planning the construction of a nursing home complex adjacent to the mosque. He says the presence of such a facility close to a mosque will solve many problems for those who cannot care for their parents. However, a Pakistani couple – Sajida Khan and Rehmat Khan – who opened a facility of Los Angeles, California that provided space for prayers and Halal food for their elderly clients – did not meet with success. But failure of such experiments is not deterring others from opening such institutions. An Islamic organization of Toledo, Ohio, has recently approved the construction of old people’s homes for Muslims. Similarly, Henry Ford Hospital of Detroit is providing special programs for the area’s Arab and Muslim elders.
Given the realities for our Pakistani elders, opening old age homes for Asian Muslims seems imperative. At the same time, it is also imperative for us to preserve and promote our values, which keep our families united and intact and provide an appropriate place to our elders.
