Kind of heart, keen of mind and sharp of wit, he flitted out of the pages of a romance novel and into her life. His parents had called her aunt who had called her parents to discuss and alliance. Or, if you prefer, she strolled boldly into his world and asked for his hand in matrimony. Or perhaps, it was vice-versa. Regardless of how they came together, they did so in hopes of a life-long friendship and romance.
They ride off happily into the sunset, Bollywood style, believing that their love for each other will conquer all challenges that life would throw at them. For first generation Indian women in the United States, who had cross-cultural marriages, these challenges are considerable. According to a doctoral thesis by Monica Thiagarajan of Western Michigan University, first generation Indian women in the United States who marry outside their culture encounter geographical dislocations, reactions from the larger South-Asian community and concerns surrounding language and raising a child in a cross-cultural atmosphere.
However, things are different for the second- and third-generation Indian Americans who marry outside their culture, or even race. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, and the Bureau’s American Community survey, there were 754,855 married Asian White couples as of 2005, up from 49,110 in 1960. During this period, the Asian population in the United States surged from 90,000 to 12,879,000. Dr. Michael Rosenfeld, a sociologist at Stanford University, acknowledged that population increase is a primary factor in the increased number of inter-racial marriages. But he pointed out that even after one factored in the population increase, the rise in inter-cultural and inter-racial marriages is not merely due to an increase in the number of immigrants, but due to education and economic development.
“It’s a society-wide phenomenon that inter-racial marriages in the United States are on the increase. Why? Because the balance of power between adult children and their parents is different from what it used to be,” Rosenfeld said, when asked to comment on the growing trend of inter-racial marriages in the Indian-American community. “Young adults in their twenties are more likely to be living away from their parents when they meet their potential mate. Thus parents have less opportunity to object. Because children are educated and feel they can support themselves, they choose love over family if they have to make a choice.” He further added that more and more parents choose to hold their peace and not voice their objections, so as not to lose their child.
In his book The Age of Independence, Rosenfeld argues that the independence of young adults from their parents, which is an important phenomenon in the United States, leads to an increase in inter-racial marriages. It’s because independent young adults do not have to consider the wishes of their parents in the same way as was customary in the past.
There is a legal element too that has contributed to inter-racial marriages over the years. The wheels of law turned in the right direction in 1967 when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld human rights and romance in one sweeping, landmark ruling in the Loving vs. Virginia case, where it overturned a Virginia statue that banned marriage between whites and non-whites.
Asians, in particular, who have a long history of close-knit ties with their families, make efforts to hold on to these relationships even when they make choices in favor of love. Dr. Bandana Purkayastha, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut and author of the book Negotiating Ethnicity: South Asian Americans Traverse a Transnational World, wrote: “Overall, the experiences of the South Asian Americans in their transnational family fields show that both institutions – family and state – remain important for understanding contemporary ethnicity in a globalized world.”
When asked to comment on the growing trend of inter-cultural marriages, she said, “It was clear that more Indians and other South Asian Americans were going in for more pan-ethnic weddings. That is, they would be OK marrying and Indian instead of looking specifically for, for instance, a Maithili Brahmin spouse with Bihari roots.” However, during the course of her research, she said, she found a small proportion of weddings that parents arranged with people from the same caste/village in India that maintained the ethnic specificities.
Eventually, though, immigrants tend to embrace the most prized of all American virtues – independence. Dr. David Popenoe, professor of sociology, emeritus, and co-director of The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, said, “Immigrants to the United States gradually adapt to our values, which are more individualistic and secular compared to their home countries. However, they do bring something of their own cultural background. For example, the most family oriented group of people is Asians who have the highest marriage rate the lowest divorce rate in America.”
He pointed out that, overall, the general decline in the number of marriages in the United States was due to an increase in the number of cohabitations both before marriage and after divorce. According to the U.S. Census Bureau and The National Marriage Project, in 2006, 56.3 percent of men and 53 percent of women in the United States were married, down from 69.3 percent and 65.9 percent respectively in 1960.
Given that no two individuals, Indian Americans included, are alike, the inferences depend on which set of data one looks at. While research reveals that greater assimilation of the immigrant Indian community into mainstream American life has resulted in more inter-racial marriages, research also shows that an increase in the Indian population in the United States has resulted in more people marrying within their community. “With the rapidly growing Indian-born population in the United States, the opportunity to find a spouse within the community has increased, also the percentage of in-marriage has increased. I suspect that the rate of out-marriage for second- and third-generation Indians is much higher and growing over time,” said Rosenfeld, who pointed out that according to the U.S. Census Bureau and American Community Survey, 55 percent of Indian-American men in 1970 were married to Indian women, compared to 87 percent in 2005. Meanwhile, 66 percent of Indian-American women were married to Indian men in 1970, compared to 91 percent in 2005.
Wedding planners also report an increase in the number of Indian weddings they help arrange. Shobha Shastry, founder and owner of Massachusetts-based Alankar Event and Wedding Planners, said she provides services for 80 to 85 weddings for Indian-American, Hindu and Muslim men and women each year. “More and more Indian people from the younger generation want to get married,” she said.
Shastry has observed significant changes in the nearly 10 years that she has been in business. “Back in 1998/1999, we saw a lot of Indians marrying Indians. As the years have gone by, Indian men are marrying American women and vice versa. In the last two to three years, parents have left most of the wedding planning to their kids. However, around 70 percent of the parents still pay for the wedding,” she pointed out, adding that while their children preferred a small gathering of guests, parents wanted to invite all their friends and relatives.
After planning one’s wedding, the next thing to do, of course, is to live happily ever after.
Steps in San Antonio, Texas-based Jon Anderson, regional director of Family Dynamics Institute, a Christian-based marriage guidance organization whose eight-week marriage enrichment course is designed for couples planning on getting married. “One of the foundations of what we teach is commitment, and that translates very well to the Indian community in America because the element of commitment to marriage is higher in Indian culture than in U.S. culture,” he said, adding that participants of the course consisted of Indian Americans as well. “Our curriculum is based on universal concepts,” he observed.
Mary and Devendra Gothi of Orange, California, who have been married for 12 years, conduct the Institute’s sessions in that region. “The class gives each person an understanding of their partner’s needs and how to meet them. People don’t know when they get married that they need to ‘intentionalize’ taking care of each other. So learning this provides a strong foundation for their marriage. The importance of honest, open communication is emphasized and exercised each week,” said Devendra, originally from Mumbai, India. “We teach couples how to protect their marriage by giving them a chance to learn about each other and practice what they have learned,” added Mary.
Devendra, 56, a chemical engineer, is the director of quality control for Avery Dennison Office Products, while Mary, 52, is a clinical psychotherapist and consultant with Arbonne International. “I have more than 20 years experience working in other countries, with people from many different cultural backgrounds. I always encourage focus on the good in each other and celebrating the differences. This especially applies to couples,” said Mary. “Since Deven and I are from very different backgrounds, American/Indian, Christian/Hindu, engineer/psychotherapist, we have had to choose to see the good in each other’s backgrounds. Because I have so completely embraced his culture, from the food to the clothing, the family says that I am more Indian that he is and they love me for loving them so much.”
Despite our differences, perhaps deep down, we are more alike than we realize. As they say, it’s a small world after all.
